A Moment of Clarity

Okay, I usually post pictures of the kids or updates for long-distance friends, but tonight, dear readers, you get a "thinking out loud" moment. Maybe it's an early mid-life crisis (yes, women can have those, too), or maybe my emotions have been running high since returning from Nicaragua. Or it could just be "growing pains." But, I've hit a strange place in my life that I'm not entirely sure I understand. It's not been just this week, but actually a long time coming. I had a couple of conversations this week that taught me some lessons. And, this evening, as I was driving home from work to pack for a trip to the Bahamas tomorrow morning, I had a little epiphany, a "moment of clarity," if you will.

I certainly don't have all the answers, and while I feel I'm at a crossroads and need to pick my path carefully, it's not such a simple choice. It's not just a fork in the road where you can pick "the right path" or the "wrong path." Life is full of complicated choices. I've always sort of been a "black and white" kind of gal, but lately, my world is filled with shades of gray. That sounds a little cliche, but that expression now makes perfect sense to me.

Here are some things I now know about me....

I am grateful for my friendships. I don't think I really have as many as I did a few years back before I went through a crappy time in my life (some just didn't survive, or have never been the same....I'll just say it....I was abandoned by some folks). I think I'm much more guarded now. I choose my friends more carefully. There are a handful of friends in my life, some old and some NEW, some I talk to DAILY and some I haven't talked to in a while, that I know will ALWAYS be my friend REGARDLESS of what I do. These are the people in my life for which I am most grateful, because these are the people that truly understand unconditional love. I've been told that God puts people in our lives exaclty when we need them and both people benefit. I'm not so sure some of the people in my life lately have benefitted from me latley as much as I've benefitted from them, but I'm eternally grateful for the people in my life that support me no matter what.

I've always felt as though my ENTIRE life, I've never been able to pinpoint my identity. Except for always knowing that I'm a child of God, the one constant in my life, I think I've been so many different people. I've always struggled with feeling I was a "jack of all trades and master of none." I've been told the wide variety of things I've done and jobs and expereinces I've had have made me "well-rounded," but I've always felt like I was searching for some kind of identity...looking for the "real me." I think in MANY ways (again, a gray area), I've finally found me. I think a lot of this has to do with my job. I tell people I've finally figured out what I want to do when I grow up. I feel like I've finally found the job I was born to do. I feel like many of the experiences I've had in my life, especially in the last five years, have been to prepare me for this. I know the real me isn't a jewelry salesperson, a wedding planner, a secretary, a Girl Scout leader, a cake decorator, etc. I've done those things, and for the most part done them well, but they're really not me. I know that while I am beyond grateful for the material blessings in my life, they don't define me. I used to believe that how well I kept my house, how organized I was and how perfect I tried to make things is what made me appealling to some people, but now I can honestly say, "I don't care." I'm really tired of being what other people expect of me. I just want to be me. Those who love me will take me as simply that...me.

I know often in peoples' lives, they get to the point where they don't want more "stuff." I'm there. I remember so many times sitting through Bible lessons where I was implored to not have the attitude of "I'll be happy when I have this thing or that job or a bigger home or more time with my family, etc..." And I sat through those sermons and said, "Amen, people should be happy with what they've got," all the while thinking of what I wanted to obtain to make myself happy. So, now, I'm at the point in my life where I have everything I want. Honestly, I have more than I want. There's a couple of rooms in my house I sort of want to paint and put some curtains in, but really, there's nothing I lack, nothing I need. So much of what I have is unneccesary. But, this leads to the next thing on my mind.....

What do you do when you have everything you could really ever want, like a wonderful husband, great kids, a beautiful home, cars, vacations, etc.? Well, you look for what you don't have. I lack nothing in my life, and yet, I want more. More what? More of what I feel like I've been missing....excitement, adventure, passion, deeper relationships, better health, more control, etc. The problem here is that Satan knows when you're not satisfied, and he's going to try to convince you that he's got the answer to what you're lacking. He's sneaky and coniving. He finds our weaknesses and exploits them. He can make sin look very appealling. We're all tempted every day. We all sin. Sometimes we look Satan square in the face and tell him to get behind us, and sometimes we give in. He's put in some long hours on me recently. Shamefully, at times I've given in. But, everytime I've given in to whatever temptation was thrown my way, I've noticed that God offered me a way out.....everytime, just like he said He would. I didn't always take it, be He always offerred it. And, the times I've given in, He's used songs, lessons, conversations and objects to gently remind me to refocus. When I say gentle reminders, I mean they really have been gentle...not guilt prodding me, but loving reminders to run back to Him.

A wiser person than I has told me on more than one occasion lately, "Take a deep breath, everything's going to be okay." And it will be. One of my favorite lines in one of my favorite songs says, "Well, I realize that falling down ain't graceful, but I thank the Lord that falling's full of grace." Thank God for that grace. Because right now, I'm covered with the blood of the Lamb, which means that no matter what I've said or done or how many times I've screwed up, when He looks at me, He sees a spotless creature. I've been reminded that no matter what, there is nothing more important in my life than my realtionship with my King, my husband, my children, my church, my family and my friends. And, nothing Satan throws my way...no greed, no idolatry, no coveting, no love of money, no selfishness, no laziness, no lust, no envy, no deceit, no anger, no self-pity or any other sin is worth hurting any of those relationships.

So, those are my thoughts tonight. Like I said, I certainly don't have all the answers, but I hope that I continue to have more "moments of clarity." In fact, sitting on the beach this week enjoying the company of the love of my life of nearly 15 years will hopefully bring me even more clarity. I hope so. I can use all the epiphanies I can have! Hopefully I'll even have the opportunity to post some pictures from the trip. Check back.